Defining Bullying
Coloroso defines this increasingly common behavior as: "a purposeful, thought-out activity intended to harm someone who is seen as inferior or unworthy of respect and concern." Other characteristics include: shunning, intimidating, terrorizing, tormenting, and ridiculing (p. 102). This definition also shatters the myth that only boys are affected by bullying. Nearly half of Coloroso’s anecdotes involve girls; the popular culture movie Mean Girls is further evidence of this.
Coloroso includes lots of anecdotes about kids in bullying situations from the United States and abroad. What sets her apart from other writers is her analysis of the effects of bullying on everyone: the bully, the bullied, and the bystander. She calls for the same compassionate intervention for the bully as the victim receives, while emphasizing the importance of looking at the role of the bystander as well. According to Coloroso, all are weakened by bullying behavior, so adults must help children learn to take on new roles, preferably before a child is labeled as any of these players.
Understanding Bullying
Throughout her narrative, Coloroso metes out concrete advice on how to break this cycle of violence. One particularly revealing section outlines two family types that support bullying behavior and one that doesn’t. The first two, Brickwall and Jellyfish families, tend to encourage bullying behavior, or at least result in poorly disciplined children. The third type, Backbone families, instills strong self-esteem and inner discipline in children who are then better equipped to withstand bullying (pp.77-100).
Solutions for Bullying
Coloroso calls for an empathetic approach to discipline that teaches children to accept responsibility for their actions. A former teacher, she presents her approach as three R’s:
- Restitution: adults help the child fix what’s been broken and take responsibility for one’s actions.
- Resolution: develop a plan to prevent future trouble that incorporates positive acts. The plan should build self-esteem and show each person’s good side.
- Reconciliation: heal with those you have harmed. This would include the victim (bullied) and the bystander(s).
This approach benefits the entire community, as it builds a positive environment rather than a future full of fear. One example she recounts involved a mother whose daughter committed suicide after prolonged bullying. Frustrated by the legal system that cut-off all communication between the families, the mother adopted an "aboriginal healing circle" as a means to heal both families (p. 197-198). A criminal conviction and jail sentence alone reinforces the bully’s negative image and encourages further anti-social behavior.
An Ounce of Prevention …
Coloroso strongly urges parents and educators to pay attention to bullying behaviors and recognize them for what they are: violent, non-social actions. Most importantly, don’t ignore them!! They are not normal "kid" behaviors. Kids who bully, or are bullied often carry these roles into adulthood and are more prone to engage in high-risk activities.
Coloroso’s advice includes practical ways to address these behaviors in their early stages, as well as what to do if/when your child is accused of bullying (#1: DON’T BE DEFENSIVE; BE AN ALLY, p. 195). However, the best prevention is the "physical presence of responsible adults" (p. 201). Let kids know you are nearby when they are playing. They can resolve their own minor conflicts, and you will learn if/when a situation is more serious.
Is It Real?
There are signs that youth violence has decreased during the last decade. Yet, as this is written, the news reports two more school shootings, one a suicide. Regardless of the roots of this violence, these tragedies are a clear sign that today’s youth need our attention! So, take action. You can begin with the following resources.
Queen Bee Moms & Kingpin Dads: Dealing with the Parents, Teachers, Coaches, and Counselors Who Can Make—or Break—Your Child’s Future by Rosalind Wiseman, www.rosalindwiseman.com
Stick Up for Yourself! Every Kid’s Guide to Personal Power and Positive Self-Esteem by Gershen Kaufman, Ph.D. et.al. (For children ages 8-12 years old.)
There are literally millions of websites, but www.pbskids.org/itsmylife is particularly well done and informative.
Kathy A. Stump - Kathy A. Stump Writing has always been an enjoyable activity for me, whether for school, work, or volunteer activities. It helps me to ...
